Couples/marriage
therapy
This can involve
marriage / partner / couple concerns such as:
- pre-marital
issues
- marriage issues
- divorce
- divorced and
raising children
- working towards
a new level of marriage.
How do you develop
harmony and long-term balance in a relationship? Relationships
are often challenged by things such as communication, money and
allocation of chores (ie balancing who does what).
It doesn't matter
if you are replicating patterns of your past, or reacting to something
in your partner because you are dealing with something within yourself.
It still comes back to living together and growing in the relationship.
How does a
relationship develop? How do you find happiness in yourself rather
than trying to find it in someone else – so that you can
live with someone and love someone but not depend or get lost
in them. Often
the main problem in relationships is the expectations you put
on someone, that you can't fulfill yourself. Happiness doesn't
come from your partner – happiness comes from yourself. And
when you find some peace within yourself – you can then learn
to live with someone. If
you don't feel good yourself, you are always going to find something
annoying in your partner or you will blame them. They are never
going to live up to your expectations.
It's not to
say that people haven't learned how to live with someone else,
sometimes it's hard to be tolerant of someone's religion, success
or lack of success, fading physical appearance, personal problems,
health issues, loss or change, whatever. But
in a relationship there are three things – you, your partner
and what you have created between you. So
the question is – is it your issue, your partner's issue
or what affects both of you?
Some things are
just your partner's issues and you need to learn tolerance of another
person's issues. Some things like 'sexuality' is something that
affects both of you and that doesn't mean either person is wrong
or right – it is just something that needs to be worked on.
However, sometimes a personal issue like a health problem or a
mental health concern can affect the relationship not just the
individuals.
Some of the problems
that can occur in the relationship (ie in the entity created between "us"):
- over-attachment
to one's partner or to their problems
- indifference
to your partner or to their problems (so there is no real connection
or entity created between us)
- expecting
your partner to reflect your emotions or issues (eg if I am depressed,
you should be depressed, I'm happy so you should feel happy) – so
not realizing that your partner is their own self and has their
own identity and that they have the right to be who they are
and that you accept them as they are
- just reacting
to your partner's emotions or issues and becoming caught up in
them yourself (eg if they are angry – you are angry) – there
is no adult left in the room so you both go down together rather
than having one partner try to help the other to overcome their
emotion or issue
- being dependent
on your partner being dependent on you
- needing to
control others because you feel out of control yourself.
What is the "us" in
the relationship? The "us" is not a fantasy of one or
other of us or even a shared fantasy. If it were just a fantasy
then there would be no way to make it real, no way to make it fulfilled
or to actively live it out. The "us" is "our reality",
or actual way to being together, so we can live a real life together
rather than just being in a fantasy.
We sometimes
get lost in how we want the other person to be to the point of
losing a grasp of who they really are. And thus how they can really
contribute to our lives as we transform their lives. We
all seek connection. Even the most extreme isolationist seeks "connection" to
themselves, to nature, to some environment, to plants, animals,
God, to their vision, their purpose or simply to their search – to
the "quest itself". Wanting connection is a natural drive
in life. So
even if we say we don't want or need somebody, we all are seeking
some form of connection.
Love and relationships
are not the same. You can love someone but not be meant to be with
them. Or you can have a great relationship but not love one another.
But if you could learn how to have both love and a relationship
then you could learn how to be together and create what it is you
wan to create.
How do you incorporate
someone in your life?
What is the purpose
of your relationship?
These are the
sort of questions we help you work through as couple.
What
should we do next?
Call us to
arrange for marriage counseling or couple therapy in Chicago or
Evanston by phoning 847-338-7533 or by emailing info@ardentcenter.com.
